Thursday, April 11, 2002
Good morning! Well!
What a beautiful day, again! Is this for real? Is it going to be summer again before we even know it? Man. At this rate, I am going to be 73 before I even know it. Uggles. I really just want to stop and smell the roses, but the days just meld into one and uggles again.
It seems like 12 minutes ago I was dreading starting my first full week of work after the holidays...but now it is THURSDAY! Can you believe it? Time flies when things are going smoothly. Time does NOT fly however, when you are angry, miserable, and alone. Somewhat like a certain boy, I know.
Paul is sad. Real sad. I can tell. He hasn't said much to me about it, but I can just tell. I am pretty good with the intuition thing and it's working overtime right now. He doesn't call me really...he doesn't talk about what is bothering him. It's like pulling teeth. However, considering that I am exactly the same way, I have an understanding and a respect for the way he handles it. A respect that most people don't have with me. So it would be totally inappropriate for me to get frustrated or upset with him. I will just try to be as patient as I can be.
Penelope has this little candy turtle that she keeps on her desk. She has had it for weeks and we keep thinking that it is going to get stolen or eaten. Penelope has named this turtle "Gums". His name makes me die laughing!!! After every weekend, she and I come in to work and quickly look to see if Gums has been fatally injured or even kidnapped. Yet, he has survived so far. You go Gums! You go.
I spoke with my mom last night for a while. She is damn adorable. It's funny how different my relationship is with both of my parents. My dad is a very neutral party in whatever case I present to him. My mom viciously takes my side in everything. I need them both as a balance and I find that it works out quite nicely. For example, when the whole shit went down with my uncles, my dad was pretty level-headed about the whole thing. He said that we were all being oversensitive and shumma shum. But as for my mom (and it's her brother), she said: "Well, your uncles can be little bitches and don't worry about it. They are this and this and this and this." She is easily convinced by me on any topic. Not that she is convinced per se, but always willing and able to take my side in anything. I love that. So we talked last night and I gave her the low down on work, friends, family life, and Paul. She was so funny about everything and by the time I got off the phone with her I felt worlds better about a lot of the little things going on. For the most part, I am in this place of balance and traquility. I explained to her how relaxed and happy I have been lately and she was more excited about that than just about anything I have ever accomplished. Both of my parents, as with most of my friends parents, only want for their children to be happy. My parents went through my "depression" with me. They stood and held my hand during the entire battle. They took me to doctor after doctor, helped set me up with therapists and even assisted me in finding the right medication for myself. So when I tell my parents that I feel "good" these days, they are overjoyed, excited, and I am sure, in some way, relieved.
But at what price does happiness come? Is it at the sacrifice of other things?
The only worry that I have in my head these days is that things will shift and I will find myself in the same position that I was last week at this time. Not that it was just last week...the last battle was about a year long leading up to last week.
There were good days. There were GREAT days. But I just feel different now, better. And I know it's not permanent or forever...but I will take this experience and appreciate it for as long as I can. And hopefully, above everything else, I will learn from it, so that next time I might be better equipped at digging myself out of the hole that I often fall into.
Guess time will tell....
So...another day! Sun shining, people smiling, good feeling day!
Take a deep breath and jump in.
What a beautiful day, again! Is this for real? Is it going to be summer again before we even know it? Man. At this rate, I am going to be 73 before I even know it. Uggles. I really just want to stop and smell the roses, but the days just meld into one and uggles again.
It seems like 12 minutes ago I was dreading starting my first full week of work after the holidays...but now it is THURSDAY! Can you believe it? Time flies when things are going smoothly. Time does NOT fly however, when you are angry, miserable, and alone. Somewhat like a certain boy, I know.
Paul is sad. Real sad. I can tell. He hasn't said much to me about it, but I can just tell. I am pretty good with the intuition thing and it's working overtime right now. He doesn't call me really...he doesn't talk about what is bothering him. It's like pulling teeth. However, considering that I am exactly the same way, I have an understanding and a respect for the way he handles it. A respect that most people don't have with me. So it would be totally inappropriate for me to get frustrated or upset with him. I will just try to be as patient as I can be.
Penelope has this little candy turtle that she keeps on her desk. She has had it for weeks and we keep thinking that it is going to get stolen or eaten. Penelope has named this turtle "Gums". His name makes me die laughing!!! After every weekend, she and I come in to work and quickly look to see if Gums has been fatally injured or even kidnapped. Yet, he has survived so far. You go Gums! You go.
I spoke with my mom last night for a while. She is damn adorable. It's funny how different my relationship is with both of my parents. My dad is a very neutral party in whatever case I present to him. My mom viciously takes my side in everything. I need them both as a balance and I find that it works out quite nicely. For example, when the whole shit went down with my uncles, my dad was pretty level-headed about the whole thing. He said that we were all being oversensitive and shumma shum. But as for my mom (and it's her brother), she said: "Well, your uncles can be little bitches and don't worry about it. They are this and this and this and this." She is easily convinced by me on any topic. Not that she is convinced per se, but always willing and able to take my side in anything. I love that. So we talked last night and I gave her the low down on work, friends, family life, and Paul. She was so funny about everything and by the time I got off the phone with her I felt worlds better about a lot of the little things going on. For the most part, I am in this place of balance and traquility. I explained to her how relaxed and happy I have been lately and she was more excited about that than just about anything I have ever accomplished. Both of my parents, as with most of my friends parents, only want for their children to be happy. My parents went through my "depression" with me. They stood and held my hand during the entire battle. They took me to doctor after doctor, helped set me up with therapists and even assisted me in finding the right medication for myself. So when I tell my parents that I feel "good" these days, they are overjoyed, excited, and I am sure, in some way, relieved.
But at what price does happiness come? Is it at the sacrifice of other things?
The only worry that I have in my head these days is that things will shift and I will find myself in the same position that I was last week at this time. Not that it was just last week...the last battle was about a year long leading up to last week.
There were good days. There were GREAT days. But I just feel different now, better. And I know it's not permanent or forever...but I will take this experience and appreciate it for as long as I can. And hopefully, above everything else, I will learn from it, so that next time I might be better equipped at digging myself out of the hole that I often fall into.
Guess time will tell....
So...another day! Sun shining, people smiling, good feeling day!
Take a deep breath and jump in.
